I absolutely love Halloween, a holiday devoted to so many things near and dear to my heart: horror movies, fall weather, pumpkin pies, old creepy guys, but most of all, costumes. I have an age old tradition when it comes to choosing costumes that works quite well. Every year, I wait till about 5 minutes before any event that I might be attending in which I am required to wear a costume. At this time I realize two things: 1) I don’t have a costume, and 2) I haven’t even put thought into one. FUCK.  This is when I look around my respective surroundings and create my costumes last minute. I’ve had some great slacker costumes in the past. For example: my father – aka “check me out in my bathrobe” guy, “scummy t-shirt with no pants and clown mask” guy (also my father), and future warrior (my future father).

So I’ve decided to throw together a blog detailing some helpful tips and useful suggestions for successfully slacking on this seasons’ Halloween costume. Because really, if “masturbate furiously” isn’t ahead of “get Halloween costume” on your list of priorities, you have come to the wrong blog… or you haven’t yet come enough? *kills self*

First things first, and almost always the case with slacking, you need to fucking accept it. You are a slacker. You aren’t going to find a costume. You may try and half-ass it at Walmart when your there buying soda, chips, and magic cards, but once you realize how lame all of it is you’ll just end up buying something that you actually need, like magic cards, and you’ll realize that you’ve waisted so much potential slacking time. So stop self-loathing and enjoy fucking whacking off or catching salamanders or writing stupid ass blogs. Whatever the fuck it is that you do, do it and enjoy it.

Next, you’ve slacked off to the last minute, the party is about to happen, and all of your friends are going. Some of them have some really kick ass costumes that they have been working on for months. Time to get your shit together. It’s time to step into your pre-costume: which is, MacGuyver. Am I saying that you are going to be MacGuyver for Halloween? No. Unless you got a MacGuyver outfit laying around and have a mullet, then sure, which means I will most likely be MacGuyver for Halloween this year. However, you need be motherfucking MacGuyver for a little bit. Find some shit in your immediate vicinity to make a costume out of, and quickly. The clock is ticking man, you need to finish this shit fast so you can go out and show everyone just how fucking awesome you are. You are a wizard, an engineer, a genius, an all around American bad ass! A non-slackers pre-costume is probably like the old lady from murder-she-wrote. She’s running around gathering clues and playing dominoes and fuckin’…  I don’t know, being that old lady from murder-she-wrote.

So here a couple costumes that you can definitely do 5 minutes before you gotta dress to impress. These are all pro-level slacker, and are guaranteed to turn some heads and make some tails wag on your night out. All of the materials should be handy, and if not, should require minimal effort with your MacGuyver skills to craft some shit together to mimic the materials needed.

Baby that found a marker and drew all over himself costume – Who the fuck doesn’t love those photos of lil kids that draw all over themselves? Terrorists? Probably. Good thing we are in America! This costume rules on so many levels. First off, it takes no effort. Get in your underwear, grab a marker, draw all over yourself. Fucking done. Secondly, hanging out in your underwear is the best thing ever. You ever see a dude sitting around his house in a Batman fucking costume? Nope. Not even Batman would do that. Chillin’ in your underoo’s is the bee’s knees. Plus you get to show off your tight ass bod.

Cereal Box Master! costume – If you are like me, or if you are 5 years old, cereal comprises about 68-79% of your diet. This means you probably have a shit ton of cereal boxes. Good. Strap those bad boys on. Now put on a few arm-bands and a head-band, and for good measure, maybe some mud or whatever that shit is bros put under their eyes to show that they are truly bad ass. You are now Cereal Box Master!. (notice how the exclamation point is part of the fucking surname? that’s because this shit owns) The only problem that can arise is this: people loving punching boxes. It’s natural. But you got to remember, you are a Cereal Box Master!, you need to act like it. Make sure at least one of the boxes contain cereal. Not only will you be able to snack while you are ruling the party, but it will be your ultimate defense. Anyone that tries to punch your boxes will think twice once they get a face-full of Fruity Pebble flakes. No one wants to look like an idiot at a bumpin’ ass Halloween party. And I couldn’t imagine looking more silly then being covered in Fruity Pebble flakes, it would be absolutely embarrassing.

Piece of Shit costume – Wicked simple, but extremely effective. All you need is some actual shit. Rub that shit all over you. BAM! Done. How many motherfuckers out there are going to actually going to EMBODY their costume? Probably none.

Oh nice, a fucking spiderman costume. Hey spidey, how about you crawl across that ceiling there, hang down with your webbing, and kiss Mary Jane. Oh, you can’t? Wow, you don’t even smell, or TASTE like spiderman. Weak costume bro.

Fucking roasted. The Piece of Shit costume will make you THE shit at any Halloween party.

So now you are fully prepared to slack off this entire Halloween season. I, for one, will be thoroughly enjoying it. Fallout: New Vegas is coming out soon and I’ll have a whole new post-apocalyptic world to explore. Till next time.

-birdman out!