The Best Industrial Records That Time Forgot

What. The. Fuck.

Before KoRn and Skrillex started fucking each other, there was a time when guitar riffs and technology didn’t make you want to kill yourself. Many-a-motherfucker were combining heavy shit with iron laborers banging on rail-posts (listen to Obituary’s-World Demise for a taste of what’s up). But while most people remember Ministry’s-Psalm 69, I’d like to take some time to remember the ones that slipped past most radars and ended up on several homeless guys’  harddrives.

Meathook Seed – Embedded

Let’s start at MOST IMPORTANTLY. If I got my balls kicked for every time I dropped these guy’s name to close friends, my body would fucking explode. Take members of Napalm Death and Obituary and add a shit ton of samples from a 1920s steel mill and you got yourself a GOD DAMN GENRE CLASSIC. Everyone knew exactly what they were doing on this album, and from start to finish it shows. Mitch Harris and Trevor Peres combine forces for some of the most slamming and eclectic riff concoctions known by man while Donald Tardy lays down beats like Zues would if he tried out for DMX’s band, right after killing them all and dealing with Hades to bring them back as Floridian white trash. If you play guitar, and especially if you play in a heavy band, you owe it to yourself and others to listen to Meathook Seed’s Embedded for inspiration. The next album lacked the Obituary members. It was terrible.

Also, Donald Tardy is all about saving stray cats in Tampa (http://www.obituary.cc/helpcats.html). What a guy.

Listen here.

Pitchshifter – Desensitized

While Pitchshifter is by no means an obscure name amongst the genre, this record should’ve been right up there with the Nine Inch Nails and Ministry hits. Instead the band followed this solid release with some terrible, terrible records, which began to clog up used record stores everywhere, leading most people to write the band off completely.  Though this album is repetitive, it is everything it needs to be. Great vocals and heavy guitar with great use of ambient noise; a perfect soundtrack for cyberpunk inspired living (and by this I mean getting stoned and playing video games). You can even catch one of the songs bumping in the background of the Eddie Furlong classic, Brainscan (a great film in its own right with a decent soundtrack).

Listen here

Killing Joke – Pandemonium

One of my favorite bands and definitely one of the most overlooked, Killing Joke has been around since 1978 and is still currently active. Their sound has changed over the decades and in the mid 90s they took a harder and more industrial approach with their return album, Pandemonium. While their is a lot of repetition, specifically in the beats, Jaz Coleman’s vocals and Kevin Walker’s riffs are unique and refreshing enough to make this record, and the band, a timeless artifact in music history. Yeah, I said it. One of my favorite industrial-esque tracks of The Joke’s is one remixed by long time super-fans Nine Inch Nails (listen here). Pandemonium is another, start to finish, well executed album, the likes of which are few and far between.

Listen here

-birdman out

A Slacker’s Guide to Halloween Costumes

I absolutely love Halloween, a holiday devoted to so many things near and dear to my heart: horror movies, fall weather, pumpkin pies, old creepy guys, but most of all, costumes. I have an age old tradition when it comes to choosing costumes that works quite well. Every year, I wait till about 5 minutes before any event that I might be attending in which I am required to wear a costume. At this time I realize two things: 1) I don’t have a costume, and 2) I haven’t even put thought into one. FUCK.  This is when I look around my respective surroundings and create my costumes last minute. I’ve had some great slacker costumes in the past. For example: my father – aka “check me out in my bathrobe” guy, “scummy t-shirt with no pants and clown mask” guy (also my father), and future warrior (my future father).

So I’ve decided to throw together a blog detailing some helpful tips and useful suggestions for successfully slacking on this seasons’ Halloween costume. Because really, if “masturbate furiously” isn’t ahead of “get Halloween costume” on your list of priorities, you have come to the wrong blog… or you haven’t yet come enough? *kills self*

First things first, and almost always the case with slacking, you need to fucking accept it. You are a slacker. You aren’t going to find a costume. You may try and half-ass it at Walmart when your there buying soda, chips, and magic cards, but once you realize how lame all of it is you’ll just end up buying something that you actually need, like magic cards, and you’ll realize that you’ve waisted so much potential slacking time. So stop self-loathing and enjoy fucking whacking off or catching salamanders or writing stupid ass blogs. Whatever the fuck it is that you do, do it and enjoy it.

Next, you’ve slacked off to the last minute, the party is about to happen, and all of your friends are going. Some of them have some really kick ass costumes that they have been working on for months. Time to get your shit together. It’s time to step into your pre-costume: which is, MacGuyver. Am I saying that you are going to be MacGuyver for Halloween? No. Unless you got a MacGuyver outfit laying around and have a mullet, then sure, which means I will most likely be MacGuyver for Halloween this year. However, you need be motherfucking MacGuyver for a little bit. Find some shit in your immediate vicinity to make a costume out of, and quickly. The clock is ticking man, you need to finish this shit fast so you can go out and show everyone just how fucking awesome you are. You are a wizard, an engineer, a genius, an all around American bad ass! A non-slackers pre-costume is probably like the old lady from murder-she-wrote. She’s running around gathering clues and playing dominoes and fuckin’…  I don’t know, being that old lady from murder-she-wrote.

So here a couple costumes that you can definitely do 5 minutes before you gotta dress to impress. These are all pro-level slacker, and are guaranteed to turn some heads and make some tails wag on your night out. All of the materials should be handy, and if not, should require minimal effort with your MacGuyver skills to craft some shit together to mimic the materials needed.

Baby that found a marker and drew all over himself costume – Who the fuck doesn’t love those photos of lil kids that draw all over themselves? Terrorists? Probably. Good thing we are in America! This costume rules on so many levels. First off, it takes no effort. Get in your underwear, grab a marker, draw all over yourself. Fucking done. Secondly, hanging out in your underwear is the best thing ever. You ever see a dude sitting around his house in a Batman fucking costume? Nope. Not even Batman would do that. Chillin’ in your underoo’s is the bee’s knees. Plus you get to show off your tight ass bod.

Cereal Box Master! costume – If you are like me, or if you are 5 years old, cereal comprises about 68-79% of your diet. This means you probably have a shit ton of cereal boxes. Good. Strap those bad boys on. Now put on a few arm-bands and a head-band, and for good measure, maybe some mud or whatever that shit is bros put under their eyes to show that they are truly bad ass. You are now Cereal Box Master!. (notice how the exclamation point is part of the fucking surname? that’s because this shit owns) The only problem that can arise is this: people loving punching boxes. It’s natural. But you got to remember, you are a Cereal Box Master!, you need to act like it. Make sure at least one of the boxes contain cereal. Not only will you be able to snack while you are ruling the party, but it will be your ultimate defense. Anyone that tries to punch your boxes will think twice once they get a face-full of Fruity Pebble flakes. No one wants to look like an idiot at a bumpin’ ass Halloween party. And I couldn’t imagine looking more silly then being covered in Fruity Pebble flakes, it would be absolutely embarrassing.

Piece of Shit costume – Wicked simple, but extremely effective. All you need is some actual shit. Rub that shit all over you. BAM! Done. How many motherfuckers out there are going to actually going to EMBODY their costume? Probably none.

Oh nice, a fucking spiderman costume. Hey spidey, how about you crawl across that ceiling there, hang down with your webbing, and kiss Mary Jane. Oh, you can’t? Wow, you don’t even smell, or TASTE like spiderman. Weak costume bro.

Fucking roasted. The Piece of Shit costume will make you THE shit at any Halloween party.

So now you are fully prepared to slack off this entire Halloween season. I, for one, will be thoroughly enjoying it. Fallout: New Vegas is coming out soon and I’ll have a whole new post-apocalyptic world to explore. Till next time.

-birdman out!

ED GEIN 2003 INTERVIEW: BACK TO THE FUTURE: PART TWO OF TWO


Here it is, the final installment of the 2003 Ed Gein interview. Listen to Graham’s wacky stories, songs from artists that have inspired Ed Gein, and random schlop about the band and their crazy history. Enjoy!

Check out Ed Gein and their new material HERE!

 
Download MP3

STARCRAFT 2 BETA: HOW TO ALWAYS WIN VIDEO!!!

I’ve been playing the Starcraft 2 Beta a ton and recently figured out a strat to win like every game you ever play ever.  Check out the video!

Here’s a trick I discovered for the Starcraft 2 Beta. Using this trick you will win 99.8% of the time and get your rating up super high. I’m ranked so high I can’t even tell you guys the number because it’s so big you can’t even type it out without causing serious damage to your typing hands.

-birdman out!

Ed Gein 2003 Interview: back to the future: part one of two

Back in 2003, I interviewed sexy grindsters, Ed Gein, in a small radio booth in Auburn, NY. Now, thanks to modern technologies such as text messaging, worm-hole generators, and stringless y0-yos, you can listen to it here, or on your podcast player of choice. It’s up to you really. Anywho, here is part 1 of the 2 part interview. Part 2 will be up soon, so check back. ENJOY!

Check out Ed Gein and their new material HERE!

 

Download MP3

It’s Complicated vs The Human Centipede. Wait, what?

After finishing all of my finals, it’s nice to be able to sit down and articulate my thoughts in a manner in which I really don’t have to worry about them being arbitrarily evaluated. So here we go: one, two, three, four, get your woman on the floor. Gotta gotta get up, and get down. Repeat that. Say some fucking shit. Yup, it’s Coolio.

But onto some reviews of shit I’ve recently had the pleasure/displeasure of viewing.

The Human Centipede (The First  Segment)

After seeing the trailer and reading a bunch of random internet gossip about the film, I was pretty stoked to finally watch it. But I can tell you, without a doubt, even though my expectations were just slightly higher then “no expectations”, this movie let me down more than anything I’ve seen in recent history. Why? I’ll tell you.

Because it was fucking TERRIBLE. What about it was terrible? Well, pretty much everything. The acting, the dialogue, the story; the only thing that it had going for it was the premise, which I had understood from trailer. So basically, if I had stopped there, everything would’ve been fine. I would’ve gotten up in the morning with my usual morning wood, but no, it wasn’t there. It had sewn itself into my butthole. This is 100% medically accurate, btw.

From the beginning to the end, it couldn’t have been worse. It starts with two girls, the best of friends and worst of actors, who are constantly referring to each other by their names.

“Hi Jenny!”

“Hi Linsday!”

“What do you want to do tonight Jenny?”

“I don’t know Linsday, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know Jenny, let’s… wait, someone is at the door.”

“Oh don’t worry Linsday, I’ll get it.”

*Jenny walks over and opens the door. Steven Segal bursts in and proceeds to knock them the fuck out. He carries them off to keep as sex slaves.*

Everyone else in the film is just as fucking terrible, except the main villain guy, he actually might be the worst. No, he definitely is the worst. It all is the worst. But this guy is so fucking terrible in his role that, in order to make him seem more frightening, they literally have him put sunglasses on. Again, he doesn’t have on sunglasses; someone escapes or something cliche leading to an action sequence; cut back to him with SUNGLASSES. WHAT THE FUCK!? Is there a fucking Sunglass Hut Kiosk in his fucking house!? Does he suffer from extreme photophobia? Are those fucking OAKLEYS BRO!?

Another huge indicator of this character’s absolute fucking lack of badass-ness is the way he holds a rifle. Here’s an experiment that you can try at home. Get a rifle. If you don’t have one, go to the store and buy one. Next, hand it to your friend, or place it on the ground and ask some random kid to pick it up. Did they grab it by the barrel? If yes, punch them in the fucking face and take back your firearm because they are clearly incompetent when it comes to handling a rifle. And, as you probably have already guessed, the villain does this same shit. He is running around holding his rifle by the barrel and we are supposed to take this guy seriously? Can you imagine Rambo pulling shit? Fuck no! But it gets WORSE! At one point he needs to break through a glass door. And instead of using the butt of the gun to do so (you know, the logical fucking thing), he starts smashing the glass with the BARREL OF HIS GUN! I’m done…. I can’t talk about this shit anymore. Seriously, it is so fucking stupid, everything about it sucks; god fucking damnit I wish I never heard of this movie. RARARAAAARRRRRRRARRRRAAAAAAAA

onto movie number two, it’s complicated

“Can you get this movie?”

“What movie?”

“It’s complicated.”

*time freezes as I blankly stare at my girlfriend*

But I’m a big softy, and after watching so many horror and action films with my girlfriend, I feel like it is only fair to watch one that involves me smashing my dick with the old computer monitor that sits in storage in my attic. Now I remember my mother posting on facebook once, “going to see it’s complicated with the girls tonight.” Vomit inducing on about three hundred levels, but something about the title, It’s Complicated, made me chuckle. The wiseass in me instantly started imagining scenarios in which using the phrase, it’s complicated, was funny. Turns out, if you are using it in regards to the film, the possibilities are endless. Seriously, answer any question with it’s complicated while thinking of the movie title and it’s automatically funny. Well, maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s just complicated! hahahahahaha get it? am i right, or am i… uh… oh.

Scenario One: You seem a bit bummed out. Your best friend tries to console you.

“Hey, what’s up man? You seem out of it.”

“It’s complicated?”

“So what is it?… wait, why are you laughing?”

“hahaha, you know! That movie with Alec Baldwin and that old lady called, It’s Complicated! hahahaha”

“holy fuck hahahahahahah”

*Laughter ensues until the door is kicked open by Steven Segal. He proceeds to knock you both the fuck out and takes you home as sex slaves*

Scenario 2: Girlfriend asks you to watch the actual film, It’s Complicated.

“Can you get this movie?”

“What movie?”

“It’s complicated.”

*time freezes as I blankly stare at my girlfriend*

“So can you get it?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Wait, what?”

“hahahahahhaha”

Scenario number 3: First Contact with a Juggalo Scenario

“Znnnnn Zuuuuiooo sniiieee sniieee gooouuuuurchch”

“Oh my god, a motherfucking alien…. hey, can you understand me?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Holy shit, you can speak my language?!”

“hahahaha, nah man, the movie! You know, with Alec Baldwin and that old lady. I just said a bunch of gibberish so you’d ask a question so that I could respond with the movie title, It’s Complicated.”

“Wha..”

*Using psychokinesis, the alien eviscerates the juggalo’s internal organs, instantly killing him. In 24 hours the whole world has been decimated, except for Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep, who are left unharmed.*

Beyond the film title the movie is worthwhile. It’s charming, the acting is good, and it is pretty funny. But the absolute best thing about it is it’s title. Try doing the aforementioned with The Human Centipede.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“The Human Centipede.”

“The fuck you just say?”

But let’s create a sample in which the title serves as an acceptable answer.

“What do you intend on creating with those people locked up in your basement?”

“The human centipede.”

“Oh.”

Now let’s swap in It’s Complicated for the answer.

“What do you intend on creating with those people locked up in your basement?”

“It’s complicated.”

“You mean you are remaking the movie with Alec Baldwin and that old lady?”

“No.”

*The man jabs a needle into the other man’s throat, causing him to collapse. He brings him down into his basement, where he uses the unconscious man as the middle piece in a human centipede, which he states is 100% medically accurate. An actual medical doctor shows up to refute this, to which the creator replies, it’s complicated. At this, even the poorely constructed human centipede cannot help but laugh into eachother’s buttholes.*

the end

-birdman out!

TOP TEN HORROR FILMS OF THE 90s

After having a bunch of unrelated conversations on different topics concerning the 90s, I went ahead and did a video blogcast listing my favorite horror films of the 90s.

Leave comments on the video letting me know if I need to take a shower.

- birdman out!

A nightmare in pallet town

After seeing Michael Bay’s remake of Nightmare on Elm Street last night I feel comfortable giving it a review. In a word, bad. In five words, pokemon could’ve saved this film. Does that make sense to you? Probably not, but maybe. However don’t worry because I’m going to explain myself.

So what does pokemon have to do with Nightmare on Elm Street? Absolutely nothing, but in light of the remake, EVERYTHING. You see Freddy Krueger used to be the bad guy that you sort of thought was cool because he was cartoonish and funny, like a Psyduck. But Michael Bay ruins that. He reminds the audience again and again that Krueger is a perverted child molester, which isn’t cool. Instead of enjoying Freddy terrorizing the youth within the film, you are just creeped out by him and hope that someone kills him off for good.

We need to bring back the enjoyment of the original film once again by making Freddy into a cooler guy, like a PR makeover. That’s where pokemon and Nerd Rage Radio get involved.

Nerd Rage Radio Presents: Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy versus Ash Ketchum

The story starts off in a town full of pokemon trainers, Pallet Town. After a bunch of the young aspiring pokemon masters start dying off, Ash Ketchum and his pals Brock and Misty start searching for clues. All three have been having nightmares of a burnt up man who seemingly has mastered the move Cut. After pressing their parents, they are given the backstory.

Years ago there was a man named Freddy Krueger who used to work at the local Pokemon Center, mostly with children that came there to learn about pokemon. It turns out that Freddy was a douchebag, and used his Gastly to scare the kids all day long, making them afraid of pokemon, but he also said a lot of funny one liners while doing this, making them afraid of funny one liners told by creepy old men to little kids. The parents find this out and realize there is only one thing they can do, burn Freddy alive with their Charmanders. So that is what they did. At this Pikachu says “peeka pee?!”

The children discover, by using their pokedex in their dreams, that Freddy is actually a pokemon himself! After being killed by pokemon, his Gastly sacrificed itself giving Freddy new life as a ghost pokemon! Realizing this Ash remembers the oath that he took on the day his father died, that he would “catch em all“. Knowing that a Freddy Krueger in his arsenal of pokemon would make him pretty much unstoppable at every tournament, Ash schemes up a plan to get Freddy’s life total low enough so that he is susceptible to being captured by a pokeball.

The team decides that Ash should take a bunch of Xanax and fall asleep to battle Freddy in his dreams. Thinking that psychic pokemons are broken and basically steamroll every type of pokemon ever, Ash calls forth his Kadabra when first encountering Freddy. Unfortunately Freddy is way high level and using his ghost type attack Lick, totally annihilates Ash’s Kadabra. After dealing with the Kadabra Freddy surprisingly starts attacking Ash, which confuses the fuck out of him!!! Ash starts running away, and in a panic chooses a random pokemon which turns out to be Snorlax. Upon Snorlax’s arrival, a paradox is created, since this happens when you summon a sleeping pokemon while you are sleeping. This paradox is highly effective against Freddy Krueger and makes him BEEP a lot because of his low health status. Freddy begs Ash to put him in a pokeball and stop the fucking beeping noise and Ash agrees.

Ash wakes up and has saved the day. The movie ends with Ash thinking that he has defeated Freddy and has become a pokemon master, but in a devilish twist Freddy is still able to fuck with Ash’s mind from inside the pokeball. This leads to a sequel with tons of young naked boys showering at the Pokemon Center, aka, Nightmare on Elm Street 2: The Worst Fucking Nightmare on Elm Street Ever!

So as you can see, this was the obvious way to go with the remake. If you are going to see the movie, make sure you bring along your nintendo DS and pokemon HG, because this movie is no good.

-birdman out!

a slacker’s guide to test taking

If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s slacking. If there’s two things, it’s slacking and being a good test taker. But if there’s one thing I’m really really good at, it’s being a slacker. SO, after starting on this guide several years ago, I’ve decided to finally finish it.

You hate tests? You hate studying? You procrastinate until the last minute? This guide’s for you. I’m going to give you the tools to do absolutely nothing up until about an hour before your test. Armed with this knowledge you will, roughly 50% of the time, walk out the classroom with a score of about 70% or above 100% of the time. So get your notebooks and pens out so you can draw pictures of mini-cthulhu, because class is in session.

1. Wait 1 hour before the test to study

This is a no brainer. There is no fucking way you actually want to study for the test at all, so don’t. That’s right. Do the things that are important in your life: play sudoku, go get wings and pizza with friends, stare at the internet for hours, basically whatever the fuck makes you happy. Studying for the test in advance isn’t going to help you any. The whole time you are going to be thinking of things you actually want to be doing, so just do those things, UNTIL an hour before the test.

You got an hour until your test. You have class? Skip it. You are almost at the first boss with your Icecrown Citadel 10man group? Gotta force d/c and quit that shit. You are about to come? Finish. Then go study. This is where you got to be disciplined. All of the slacking comes down to this final hour in which you can sort of study, sort of not, because there is a purpose to this. If you do this, and you fail the test, you can look in the mirror and say that you tried your best. The test was unfair, it was a god damn sham. This test didn’t even count for that much. You’ll do better on the next one. You are still the GOD DAMN MAN.

2. How to go about studying an hour before

If you are like me you are fucking awesome at note taking. Your notebook has about 4 pages with actual writing in it, mostly headers stating what class that particular page of your notebook is supposedly detailing. Other than that there isn’t much, maybe some doodles of the teacher shaking violently as he talks because he is about 800 years old and you are absolutely certain that he is Ra Amin Ka from that episode of Amazing Stories. By the end of the semester you’ll have 8 pages at most devoted to your notes, most of them scribbles of mythical creatures, but every now and then you’ll write down a little gem from class.

Now what do I mean by a little gem. I am not talking about stuff like “the teacher said that in other cultures sex with minors isn’t so taboo and that people from other countries go there in order to ‘partake in those acts’ and then looked directly at me! WTF!?” That stuff is important, but not for your test. These little gems that you should be writing down are the things that the teacher hints to as being on the test. Now sometimes they outright say it, like “this is going to be on the test”, but a lot of times it will be subtle like, “this MIGHT be on the test, so MAYBE you should write it down because who knows, it could POSSIBLY be on the test, wink-wink, nudge-nudge… is anyone even listening to me?” Again write this shit down, other than that, stick to doodling and staring at the clock.

So now when you go to study you’ll have your notebook with like 1 or 2 gems. You have an hour, memorize them. That takes about 2 minutes. So now you have exactly 58 minutes to waste. This is where it comes in handy to have a partner, if you don’t have a partner, you need the internet. Why do you need these things? Well because you have 58 minutes before the test and you are going to bored as fuck! So talk to your study partner about what they think will cause the world to end in 2012. Will it be nuclear devastation, environmental catastrophe, viral epidemic, or alien invasion? If you don’t have a partner look it up on google. What are people saying there? And before you know it, BOOM, time to fuck up that test. Put on your sunglasses, blast some bad-ass music on your guypod, and walk into the classroom in slowmotion.

3. Taking the test

This is the most important part of the process and there are a multiple styles of tests out there to take, so I’ll write this as kind of a choose-your-own-adventure book but instead of different pages it will just be different sections. To start off, if you are taking an open book test go to section A. If not, go to section B.

A. Congratulations! As long as you aren’t a fucking idiot you should pass this test. Head to section 4.

B. Ok, time to focus. It is now time to narrow it down a bit more. If you are taking any test that is not a multiple choice test or a match test, go to subsection roman numeral I. If you are taking a match test, go to subsection roman numeral II. If you are taking a multiple choice test, go to subsection roman numeral III.

I. You have died. The end.

II. Not a bad deal if you bang out a bunch that you know for a fact are the answers. Start off with the ones you know for a fact are certain answers, then go to ones that you are pretty sure are certain answers, then start guessing on the ones you have no fucking clue on. Let’s say there are 10 questions on the test: 3 answers you know for certain, 3 you sort of know, and the remaining 4 you have no clue on. Guess what, 78% of the time you are going to pass this test with a 65% or better. (my math is 97% accurate btw) Congrats! You fucking rule! Head to section 4.

III. Multiple choice tests can be difficult if you don’t know what the fuck you are doing, but after reading this subsection you will be set. First off go through the test and answer questions you are certain on, these will be the gems you had written down in your notes along with random shit you just know because you are a genius. Next go back and use deductive reasoning to narrow down your choices on the ones you haven’t finished, so for example:

On September 17th, 1862, the Battle of Antietam was fought. It is still considered the bloodiest day in American history. What did President Lincoln eat the following morning for breakfast?

A) Fruity Pebbles, B) Warm Porridge, C) Sausage and Fried Potatoes, D) Hot Bread and Omelet, E) All of the above.

Right away we can remove A. While Fruity Pebbles is the fucking shit, and definitely something a cool ass bro like Lincoln would dig on, it simply didn’t exist back then. Next B, Porridge. Porridge? Are you serious? This is America. Lincoln was an American. We don’t eat fucking Porridge, we eat motherfuckin’ Oatmeal. Now we have C and D. Both seem plausible, and we can’t rule either out. So moving on to E we have an All of the Above choice. Since we have deduced that A, and B, are not acceptable answers E is definitely not the choice. Now if A and B seemed plausible then guess what, circle E move on with your life because 90% of the time that is the answer. If we put in None of the Above for E, then E would still be in the running for an acceptable answer. However, as things stand, we are left with C and D.

Now this brings us to the next part, which is probably more important than anything else I’ve said so far in this guide. After you’ve finished the ones you know, eliminated the wrong choices from the questions you have left to do, it’s time to become a master counterfeit!  You are going to create an artistic forgery with the rest of the test. To do this you need to know the artist, the person who created the original art, not like sexually or anything but like how would they sort out the answers on a multiple choice test kind of way. Consider the test as art. Does your teacher like to use strokes like A > B > C > D > C > B > A or are they more into spatter like D>B>D>A>C>C>D>A. Knowing this is going to help you connect the ones you’ve already finished with the ones you have not yet finished more easily, but more importantly more ACCURATELY! How accurate you might ask? Let’s just say above passing accurate 75% of the time! Head to section 4.

4. Beating the game

You’ve done it. You’ve mastered the test, most likely passed, and are the shit on campus. Go out and buy yourself your favorite bag of pizza rolls, a 2 liter of code red mountain dew, and a pint of ice cream my friend. You’ve earned it.

-birdman out!

The results are in: Kick-Ass is awesome!


So who doesn’t like comic books? Raise your hand. Okay, you guys can get the fuck outta here because like scientists to ICP, you’re pissing me off! Comic books are without a doubt one of the coolest things in the world next to volcanoes and that slimer gum that no longer exists, so it is with great pride I introduce my review of the film adaptation of the amazing Mark Millar comic, Kick-Ass.

Let first start this off by saying, I may love comics, but I think I could do without Mark Millar. Are you confused yet? Well… let me explain. There is something about Mark Millar that sort of distances himself from other writers. I can’t quite put my finger on it per se, but I know it probably has something to do with the man himself. His writing just comes off as… whats the word… self-embellishing? I feel like after he writes a particularly brutal piece of writing, he probably covers himself with A-1 sauce then stands in front of a mirror and jerks off to himself. This is just a theory of mine, but it’s more than likely true. The characters he creates are borderline psychotic/annoying/stupid, but still retain enough awesomeness which intrigues me just enough to be like “Well what the fuck is going to happen next issue?” So I have a love/hate relationship with the man as a writer, but I respect him enough to keep dropping dough on his comic books.

Case in point, one of Millar’s previous works Wanted featured a main character who was made to look exactly like Eminem, and rapes and murders innocent people without provocation. This is the hero in the story that Millar has presented. This is the character we as readers are supposed to sympathize with.

What the fuck?! Seriously Mark? Whats your problem guy?

Okay enough of that shit. I’m just gonna get to the review. But for my in depth bitch-out session of Mark Millar, just hang out with me and I will spin you a few yarns. On with the review!

Just to let you know there will be SPOILERS in this review!

So I’ve been pretty excited for Kick-Ass for awhile. I pretty much wasn’t able to put the series down until it’s eight issue run was over, and I enjoyed each issue immensely. He puts out quality work as evidenced from the Ultimate and Wanted, so I knew Kick-ass was going to be good. And it was, it really was. So going into the film, I had high hopes that they would try to stay faithful to the original storyline as best they could.

Brief synopsis:

Dave Lizewski is a nerd. Plain and simple. He reads comic books, doesn’t talk to girls and is generally a giant pussy. But he desires for something more. Wondering why no one has ever thought of this before, he dons a costume and takes to the streets in an effort to fight crime. When his first attempt at stopping crime almost ends with him dying, Dave reconsiders his position. But now with metal plates infused within his body, and nerve damage which allows him to take more punishment than any normal human being, Dave decides to give it one last try. He stumbles into the attempted murder of a man and saves his life. When asked who he is, the exhausted and badly beaten Dave proudly declares himself Kick-Ass. His popularity grows after a video of him saving the man ends up on youtube. Elsewhere, other people identifying themselves as superheroes take notice of Dave’s work. Big Daddy and Hit girl, a father daughter team of assassins wage war against a local mob boss. They decide to see if Kick-ass has what it takes to help them in their fight.

Sounds pretty awesome right? The story is basically the same one you are going to find within the comic book. Translated to the big screen, the film shines with awesome directing and solid acting. Aaron Johnson as Dave Lizewski/Kick-Ass fits the role of awkward high school comic nerd perfectly. What I am most surprised at though is the fact that the film’s producers decided to go with a relatively unknown actor to play the role of awkward high school nerd, rather than falling back to their old stand by, Michael Cera. Not to say that’s who the producers were originally looking for to play the character, but it helps to break the up the monotony of films just tossing Cera into that role. What I’m saying is fuck you Michael Cera. Anyways, Johnson is even better when he dons the mask and assumes the character of Kick-Ass. Still awkward and inexperienced, its fuckin awesome to see Dave completely cut loose and just start kicking ass as the character.

The other characters within the film are just as good. Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy exudes an air of controlled corniness while still being able to fulfill the dramatic role when necessary. He’s awesome as Big Daddy, but even better when he plays Father to his daughter. His warm and loving nature interspersed with brief glimpses of his darker side as Big Daddy is just what a character actor like Nicholas Cage was built for. Furthermore anytime Cage as Big daddy spoke, it had me in tears because I know it was Cage himself who decided that talking like Adam West from the original Batman television series is what the character of Big Daddy would do. And I love him for that.

The other characters are well done. Chloe Moretz is great as Hit girl. Some of her lines come off as being a shy over the top, but this is how Millar wrote the character to be. Reading it in a book is different then seeing an actual person deliver the dialogue, so that might just be the reason.

The action is well done and seems to deviate little from the book (which is excellent). Sparse use of CGI scores big points with me, as the action seems to move so quickly there is little time to even notice anytime some CGI is used. It’s basically reserved for anytime someones head explodes or bullets tear through stuff.

In terms of the film staying faithful to the comic book, it does this pretty well. There were some major changes within the film which I felt were extremely positive. Having Dave/Kick-Ass win the girl instead of being rejected by her is seriously so awesome. I went into the film knowing that in the end he gets his heart crapped on by this broad, so when I saw the scene where Kick-ass proclaims himself to her, I knew in my head it was going to be rough. How pleasantly surprised I was when she doesn’t reject his advances, instead she jumps at them some like wild she-beast. FUCK YEA KICK-ASS! And Big daddy’s origin scene/death scene were both well done but different then the book. Big points there for not taking the low road and fuckin that up!

Finishing up, I really want to talk about the music within the film. Now in the second half of the film, as the shit really starts to hit the fan, we begin to hear the composed works of John Murphy, who is famous for scoring such films like 28 Days Later. Murphy NAILS the music perfectly. The slow, rhythmic pulse of his minimalistic composure’s build tension and suspense as the film ramps up the insanity. I really wish he had scored the entire film, as some of the music doesn’t feel right. Maybe I am a sucker for using original orchestrated work within a film, but I just didn’t like some of the other films offering when it comes to music. Furthermore, had he scored the entire film I think it would have come off with a much darker tone, which would have reflected Millar’s writing more appropriately.

So where does the film stand? All in all, Kick-Ass is a wonderful to go see with a group of friends, or some girl you’re trying to maybe get to know a little better. With scenes of graphic violence, drug use, and profanity, it may not be something you want to take the children to go see. But if you’re the kind of person who loves to see the little guy get his just rewards, all the while kicking the shit outta of scumbags then you’re going to love this film. For anyone who was picked on, spit on, or looked down upon as a nerdy kid, this film gives you some hope. Go online, buy yourself a costume and start kicking the shit outta people and you too could be famous. It’s just a crazy enough concept to work! – Bolen!

Bolen’s film review score!
89/100